disfunctional

I saw no one except me, falling through a bottomless pit, scared as a scaredy cat I am alone, as always, uninterested in others so I stare blindly. My life won’t be complete without failure even if it hurts SO I better keep a head high if I want to survive this world I’m too lazy to be dysfunctional and too dysfunctional to be lazy. How on earth am I supposed to care? By being true to myself. How on earth am I supposed to share? By infiltrating honesty.

love love love!

SO cruel, why do you have to be so cruel? When all I am is wonderful and starry? To all your wishes and dreams Say hi! You are about to meet them, Then why all of a sudden, you cry? Wipe those tears now, they'll bear Real fruit, something that will last Something to make you realize How wonderful this world is, Especially with you in it You are about to take a bumpy ride Out into this chaotic world Smile while you still have lips Cry while you still can feel Hug somebody while you have 'em Then don't you dare stop Loving everything and everyone Soon you'll find out it is all Love is all that you'll ever need.

Thanks, dear world.

This is a post I'm making to break out into the world. The world which is so full of hope and tragedies, the world I once refused to live in, and face all alone, but I am now in the next phase of life where I'm choosing to stay in this world where I thought is completely impossible to live in. I'm taking this journey with a big heart and all smiles, making everybody feel as if it's too darn easy to fully engage in.
To follow up on my scariest adventure, I've ventured out into the big city. The big city and capital of the Philippines, that is. I've finally made it alive! wooohooo! So glad I've come to terms with speaking to strangers and not let it be uncomfortable. Of course, I am exposing bit by bit myself to people, but I need to choose what or who I 'm speaking to. I just don't look too relaxed to look like a "Manila girl."
I'm here to receive information on how to start up an online business or work at home. I find it actually a lot convenient, for once. I don't have to be bothered by big bosses, have to work on my own, without limits on who or what I should type or not. :)))
Free flowing, I have to be.
I need to engage in the bigger world besides Pampanga.
How nosy!
How cool!
How liberating!
How nostalgic I feel away from the countryside.
 
Here's a song I want to share together with my ever burning desires.

This little pride of mine

"This little pride of mine" for KG I want to stay for long But the thought of you pushes me Away from your flickering light SO I take flight.... Forgive me for procrastinating I didn't show any constraint We're getting close to it Sometimes I feel trapped.... Let's see where it'll take Our dismayed states of mind No one knows where or how We will never know what's next.... I hate to wander off in the depths Of the blinding lights of this city

SWEET SNAKE

I have to post this image I saw on facebook. I didn't know how I felt at first upon seeing this wonderfully made creature. I didn't know if I was too scared even to look at it, or I was too amazed at the largeness it possesses. I wondered at the beauty of nature which God had created. He even created snakes, representing the temptation at the Garden of Eden. God had decided to make it crawl on its belly as a sign of consequence. It's highly electrifying to undergo a strict suffering especially when it polishes the core of our being. The next time I'll be seeing a snake this huge, I'll be thanking the Lord for letting us see an image of intense suffering yet pleasing victory. SWEET!

brave heart

So you want to explore the depths of your soul? Try searching. So you want to increase chances of winning? Try fighting. The turmoils of youth is exhausting, Why let it slow you down? Time tries to kill our zest And so carry an unwanted burden Will someone fill our cup? It keeps bangin', If you keep hiding No one will see To endure means suffering And it takes a brave heart To cross that bridge

eternal substitue

A drop of kindness goes a long way. A discreet judgment brings joy. IS there anybody waiting to be saved? Can we just pause and stare at the world? There's too much to see, too much to hear Why do we even listen? Is it worth our ears' desires? COmfort is where we want to be And still sufferings we're in. There's no mountain too high, NO ocean too deep If we are to proclaim the future Is just waiting to be filled With us in it, with tears inside. Whoever we choose to become, Our true longing will not suffice. Another chance to live By the patterns of the world Or is it separation that keep us wandering? In two extreme realities we thrive The other one exists in our hearts And the other one seems to be eternal. No fret and worries needed FOr if we stay strong, The rewards will be much satisfying In the end, nothing really matters.

lovely day

Do YOu know how it feels to be stuck yet still feel so capable of running around? Yep, it's almost as if I'm in two different realities, one of which I can't stand to be in, and the other just feels so right. A push through is what is needed if I'm to stay with both worlds. I need to come to terms with myself and my needs as a human, and not somebody who just "goes with the flow." I'm entirely a remodeled version of who I was in the past. To be true, TO be fair, To be grounded All of which I'm fighting to be.

dark night

Sep. 10, 2012 is the day I'm about to be charged with so much passion and courage and fear all at the same time. I didn't know how to please, but at least I'm trying. I'm risking it all for humanity! This dark chocolate covered almonds will keep me up and awake! I want these to enter my stomach, just to make me feel better!

Malaya's death August 15, 2012

August 14, 2012- the day that I lost my friend, sister and hope for survival--Malaya, My eight year old mini pinscher. She was a VERY ACTIVE AND INTELLIGENT friend to be around the house and out of the house. Very curious about the world, wanting a lot of excitement which she gets when we walk out of the house and into the busy streets of Field's Avenue in Angeles City. I had trouble with depression and just plain trauma over losing my parents who both died of health problems and I saw myself getting a good feeling every time Malaya and I would walk together in the park, through the busy walk ways of the Red light districts of Angeles City called Field's Avenue. People would really smile as we walked around the neighborhood, proclaiming how cute Malaya looked like with her long tail wagging which was supposed to be cut of in her early years. I'm not sure how to take it, but I surely cried tears of pain and just thoughts of losing everything, including my parents and our family business entered my system, so I felt losing everything all over again upon her death. It was a very depressing day indeed, having to lose my best friend who doesn't even give bad comments about my hair and just loved me purely and really, tears are still trying to come out of my eyes as I write this entry. I'm imagining if I go home, I will never see her "curious" and happy face again once I enter our house, wanting to be hugged and be played. It just hurts so bad. The only thing that kept me going this day is the thought that she laid to rest peacefully, dying of a natural cause, not an accident, because man, I'll kill whoever tries to bump into Malaya. Okay, setting aside my emotions, I still need to write this down for it to be placed somewhere not hidden, to not occupy my own heart anymore, just need to share it. She is now buried in our neighbor's house, because they have soil in their yard. I'm going to feel a little sluggish and somewhat sad because of her death. I hope this doesn't last for weeks. I'll be fine. surely. I'll go to the gym, keep still and let death happen without me getting stuck with the thought of it, but focus instead of what's in the present time and what's ahead. Malaya is in a safe place now, much much peaceful place now.

It's complicated.

Can somebody get me out of my own head and start having responsibilities for others? Of course, I'm born selfish and inconsiderate, but there is room for change--change that comes form the inside out. There is a complete difference between going after what I want in life and enjoying it, and working for the sake of pleasing others, just not to hurt people. It's been a tough day, hearing comments about me being a disc jockey and not earning enough. Really, this hurts more than being in the hospital for hyperglycemia. I don't want to go back to those "shaky, immovable ungroovy" days where I'm living in others' desires, not following my own path in life. I'm 21, for cryin' out loud!!! Okay, so my Aunt thinks I'm not going to earn enough and going to starve, I know her concerns,but I can't tolerate being dictated by her anymore. I need to stand up, feel refreshed without hurting anyone.

I Want To Know You - by Sonicflood

It's a beautiful day, full of chaotic vibes and pressures on my punctuality, but it really just awakens my spirit. The more I can adapt to life, the more I will benefit in the future. I didn't know what I was doing in the radio station I wanted to work in, I just went there, and God is planning a lot for my life, I could never go wrong with this one, being promised of going back to school and all. I was shocked by all of these surprises, not even in my dreams would this be a possibility. But I know my Creator is providing this for me. :)

I want to know You more. 

a shortness of breath

I was running on fumes, when I found out you were, too. I was trying to catch my breath and saw you breathless. Why do we have so much going on? You're so far, but I can feel you, I do. The thought of you makes my mind wander in all places Do you know that you give off a stench so powerful? It even makes the hair on my back stand, like a cat's Could you even feel my distance right now? Can you even hear my thoughts as if screaming at you telling you, "I'm here! I'm here! Why can't you notice?" I'm going mad trying to get my message across, Told myself I'm not the victim here, you are.

TRAPPED-DEPPART

My body is shaking, I can feel it shaking. The thought of deadlines kills my freedom So when I become trapped, I shall come alive I know I've got to measure up, it's time! It's time I fly high and reach the unlimited Leaving all the skin, I am now shedding Now I can see bright, oh so bright lights Coming into my world, propelling me towards Greater heights, I am now on top of this World I'm in, I don't know why it spins Maybe I'm just in this crazy roller coaster It just keeps spinning, I can't focus The rush feels so nice, I'm captivated Can I just take another sip of that? That mind blowing, kaleidoscope Earth I knew since I was a child of innocence I WILL NOT DEPART, ALTHOUGH I FEEL TRAPPED.

black night

In this lifetime, we shall see each other in the eye And together, make this world a better place For all humanity and bless each other with love. You asked me, "how do you love?" I simply answered, "like this" and kissed you. Your lips, your lips have begun to be alive Once more, enduring the pain around us We have been intertwined and as we close in The world seemed to grow a little bit too small We have just become so big and conquered all. Tonight seems too far, but seeing the black Reminds me of my shadows, my complicated life And now i want to see your face clear in the night Please do say you saw me stretched out reaching For you, my love, my one and only.

Love's the answer

It seems so appealing, ever consuming, this ablazing fire has burned my soul into perfection! Triumph! I call to the Lord for Salvation! I will never give this up, I will continue this 'till that day--- that day when You will unite with all of us, oh Father. Tell all the world You have found me, let them know You have carried me once again into Your loving arms. There's no way I'm going back.

january transitions

The day is setting, I'm sipping my soup.
Where am I, where's ,my crew?
I thought you were gonna call,
But my cellphone stays silent.
My clouded mind sits still,
Waiting, just waiting for answers.
Is it just you who sits on it?
BAby, I wouldn't regret it.
You make me calmer than prozac.
My instinct tells me I hit the jackpot!
Will you still be here tommorow?
I hope you don't flake on me.