Malaya's death August 15, 2012

August 14, 2012- the day that I lost my friend, sister and hope for survival--Malaya, My eight year old mini pinscher. She was a VERY ACTIVE AND INTELLIGENT friend to be around the house and out of the house. Very curious about the world, wanting a lot of excitement which she gets when we walk out of the house and into the busy streets of Field's Avenue in Angeles City. I had trouble with depression and just plain trauma over losing my parents who both died of health problems and I saw myself getting a good feeling every time Malaya and I would walk together in the park, through the busy walk ways of the Red light districts of Angeles City called Field's Avenue. People would really smile as we walked around the neighborhood, proclaiming how cute Malaya looked like with her long tail wagging which was supposed to be cut of in her early years. I'm not sure how to take it, but I surely cried tears of pain and just thoughts of losing everything, including my parents and our family business entered my system, so I felt losing everything all over again upon her death. It was a very depressing day indeed, having to lose my best friend who doesn't even give bad comments about my hair and just loved me purely and really, tears are still trying to come out of my eyes as I write this entry. I'm imagining if I go home, I will never see her "curious" and happy face again once I enter our house, wanting to be hugged and be played. It just hurts so bad. The only thing that kept me going this day is the thought that she laid to rest peacefully, dying of a natural cause, not an accident, because man, I'll kill whoever tries to bump into Malaya. Okay, setting aside my emotions, I still need to write this down for it to be placed somewhere not hidden, to not occupy my own heart anymore, just need to share it. She is now buried in our neighbor's house, because they have soil in their yard. I'm going to feel a little sluggish and somewhat sad because of her death. I hope this doesn't last for weeks. I'll be fine. surely. I'll go to the gym, keep still and let death happen without me getting stuck with the thought of it, but focus instead of what's in the present time and what's ahead. Malaya is in a safe place now, much much peaceful place now.

It's complicated.

Can somebody get me out of my own head and start having responsibilities for others? Of course, I'm born selfish and inconsiderate, but there is room for change--change that comes form the inside out. There is a complete difference between going after what I want in life and enjoying it, and working for the sake of pleasing others, just not to hurt people. It's been a tough day, hearing comments about me being a disc jockey and not earning enough. Really, this hurts more than being in the hospital for hyperglycemia. I don't want to go back to those "shaky, immovable ungroovy" days where I'm living in others' desires, not following my own path in life. I'm 21, for cryin' out loud!!! Okay, so my Aunt thinks I'm not going to earn enough and going to starve, I know her concerns,but I can't tolerate being dictated by her anymore. I need to stand up, feel refreshed without hurting anyone.

I Want To Know You - by Sonicflood

It's a beautiful day, full of chaotic vibes and pressures on my punctuality, but it really just awakens my spirit. The more I can adapt to life, the more I will benefit in the future. I didn't know what I was doing in the radio station I wanted to work in, I just went there, and God is planning a lot for my life, I could never go wrong with this one, being promised of going back to school and all. I was shocked by all of these surprises, not even in my dreams would this be a possibility. But I know my Creator is providing this for me. :)

I want to know You more. 

a shortness of breath

I was running on fumes, when I found out you were, too. I was trying to catch my breath and saw you breathless. Why do we have so much going on? You're so far, but I can feel you, I do. The thought of you makes my mind wander in all places Do you know that you give off a stench so powerful? It even makes the hair on my back stand, like a cat's Could you even feel my distance right now? Can you even hear my thoughts as if screaming at you telling you, "I'm here! I'm here! Why can't you notice?" I'm going mad trying to get my message across, Told myself I'm not the victim here, you are.